September 18

Back In ER

And so I woke up feeling ok and was relieved!

But then, all of a sudden, I had such a terrible fit of BAD nausea and such a weak feeling in my knees that I thought I’d faint. I somehow managed to jump into the shower, put on something comfy and then call… what? ambulance? … or S? … Okay, S. I woke her up but it took her 10 seconds to realize what was going on and to tell me “I’ll be right there”.

The nausea went while I was showering, but came back in the car.

I had a very hard time to even manage walking the way from the parking lot to ER. I was panicking.

THANK GOD it wasn’t crowded (which was pure luck… it’s always crowded there!) and I was taken care of immediately. Those who remember my whole story, may remember that there was a slight problem with the ER people the last time I was there. This time, it was a whole different world. One reason might be, that there were different nurses and docs. Another reason surely was, that they knew my story (as it turned out later) and didn’t want to make the same mistake twice, and also it may have helped that it was a quiet morning and they could all take their sweet time.

I got not one but two electrocardiograms (one about 2 hours after the other) and also two blood tests, because they wanted to be 100% sure that there wasn’t a heart problem and that they didn’t overlook anything.

Result: I was okay. A heart attack had neither happened nor was one lurking around the corner (from what they could tell), all results were very good. So what the f-ck was wrong with me then?

As it turned out, the docs were all very surprised that I had been back to working full time again, instead of joining a re-integration program. They said, my body most definitely had a problem with adjusting to the regular schedule again after what I had been through and the long phase of being off and recovering. It would be necessary to go back sloooooowly and that I should talk to my regular doc about it.

The event from this morning might have been a psychosomatic reaction because I had been worrying about the slight pain in my chest, which was there but in the end harmless, so much that it had become too much.

As soon as I heard that my heart was doing alright, I felt better immediately. And I told myself that it was the right decision to not call the ambulance. But the doc told me that the next time I had something like this, I HAD to call the ambulance. I’m not really able to tell how serious certain symptoms are. I had a heart attack three months ago. This is something very serious. And every time something worrysome comes up, I PLEASE call the paramedics because they can check right there wherever I am when they arrive, what’s wrong and if it’s something serious, they can do something right there and then. What if it IS another heart attack and I collapse while in the car with S?

Yeah… I know all that. But still, after all what happened, I have that feeling to “not cause a drama” and to not “bother” people if it’s not necessary.

I know, I know… shut up.

I like to believe, that – in the end – all symptoms were not really physical but psychological. But the cause of it might still have been because it was all too much… that first week of working full time again. I felt absolutely well after leaving the hospital… after someone told me there was no problem.

After that, we went to a café, and later for a walk at the pond. You have no idea how relieved I was that a doc had told me I was fine.

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