September 19

AUTUMN!

Autum’s there, y’all! I know, it’s nothing new. But so far we had crazy-ass summer temperatures here. It was HOT!! And I HATE hot!

Oh how much have I been longing for the cool weather… even for some rain (if it is not too much). And finally I can drag out the autumn deco with all the autumn colors. And stash all the summer shirts away.

I love autumn. My favorite time of the year.

In other news I saw my doc this afternoon to inform him about the weekend and Sunday events. After looking at the report from the ER doc, he assured me again that the results all looked good and that there was no need for me to worry. He also confirmed that – most likely – the problems I had were a result of going back to regular full schedule again too soon and that a reintegration would have been the better solution. (I had told him back then that I was very sure I’d be fine with the 4-week-vacation and wouldn’t need re-integration.)

He said he’d have the paperwork ready by tomorrow and that he’d put me back on sick leave immediately. Meant: no working tomorrow and starting the reintegration on Wednesday: working 4 hours per day for two weeks, and then another one and a half week working 6 hours per day.

Fine.

Went home and everything was fine.

Until it wasn’t.

Out of nowhere… from one second to the other, I felt like crying. Called S and as soon as I had her on the phone, I had a complete meltdown. I cried like a baby and couldn’t stop for more than 30 minutes. It felt like all of a sudden I had realized what had really happened to me on June 10th. That all the time I had put it aside like something that had happened to someone else. And wasn’t it somehow like that? Hadn’t I almost laughed at my doc when he told me “you had a heart attack and I will call an ambulance now, you have to go to the hospital as soon as possible”? Wasn’t there that constant feeling of “me” and “heart attack” not going together? That something like that “only happens to other people”?
Yes I knew what happened. But then I must have held it an arms length away all the time. Until it all came crashing down. All the time I hadn’t cried once. Okay…. one little and very short time in the hospital, but not really. Not like one would think I did after being diagnosed with something like this. Not after finding out that it was only VERY VERY BIG LUCK that I was still alive since no one had found out what I really had for four days.

The shock came with a three-month-delay. But now it hit me, and it hit me very hard.

It took me a long time after I had ended my phone call with S, to halfway calm down and go to bed.

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